Thursday, December 4, 2008

Tall People: Slaves to Our Tiny Masters

A question for you other tall folks out there: Have you noticed that short people think we're there to do their bidding? How many times have you heard, "Hey. I can't reach that. Can you get it for me?" What are we, some sort of service animals for the vertically challenged?

When is the last time you heard a tall person ask a short person to grab something from a lower shelf because they don't have as far to stoop? Never! We'd get kicked in the shins.

The short people have lured us into a trap by making us believe that being tall is "cool." It has conditioned us to respond to their requests as some sort of demonstration of our height superiority... but who is calling the shots here? It's a conspiracy and it's bigger than you might imagine.

I did some research and I found out that short people are physically superior to us. That's right. If you visit Short Persons, you'll find a whole list of abilities short people have. According to the site, short people have the advantage on tall people when it comes to physics and biology. The site claims that short people have "faster reaction times, greater ability to accelerate body movements, stronger muscles in proportion to body weight, greater endurance, and the ability to rotate the body faster. They are also less likely to break bones in falling." Holy crap! Shortness is like a super power!

That's not all, the web site goes on to say that short people live longer lives. It explains that because human cells have a limited capacity for duplication, short people have an advantage at healing.

"Since bigger people require a larger number of duplications to reach maturity, they have fewer potential cell doublings left to replace defective or dead cells. Thus, the functional capability of vital organs declines with advanced age because damaged cells can't be replaced. A new study also showed that oxidative damage to cells increases at a higher rate with increasing height; e.g., an 18% increase in height leads to an 83% increase in cellular damage. Current gerontological thinking is that oxidative damage leads to aging and death."

Alright, so now short people have heightened agility, heightened strength, heightened endurance (not to mention their greater ability to hide from danger in small places) and now they have some sort of anti-aging healing factor power like Wolverine! Oh...but we're not done yet. The site says there are also studies that show that short people get cancer less than tall people and are less likely to have cardiovascular problems. To add further insult to injury the web site then claims that short people have less of a negative impact on the planet than us tall people. Apparently, us tall folks now have to feel guilt because we cause more pollution and use up more resources.

I've recently been reading about physics and the concept of time dilation. Time dilation is a phenomenon in which time goes slower the closer you are to a source of gravity. Experiments have shown that clocks that are in sync with each other will go out of sync if one is at a higher elevation than the other. The clock that is closer to the ground will run behind, because apparently time is going slower there. So does this mean that time is going slower for short people than for me? I remember how slow time seemed to be when I was a kid. Now, I'm tall and time is whizzing by!

Conclusion: Short people have ultra-cool super powers and will live longer lives which will seem that much longer thanks to time dilation. The next short person who asks me for help reaching something is going to get a vulgar hand gesture.

I'm going to lay down on the floor now so that time will start going slower for me. Being tall sucks.


ash said...

I enjoy being tall. It is irritating how short people will ask you to do things for them, though. Just pretend like you can't hear them because they're so far down there.

Diana said...


Douglas said...

Short People

Click on above.

Sue Flaska said...

I was the second tallest in grade school....the tallest was another girl. It did help for basketball though. In my older years I dated a guy who was 6'5". Maybe to make up for all those years of being the tallest, I'm not sure.

avm0525 said...

Grocery stores are the worst. How can you say no to a little old lady who can't reach the olives?

The Jules said...

As the World's Smallest Giant, I feel I am a bridge between the tall and the short.

Someday, there will be a place where you can all come together.

Probably about nipple level.

thebonebreaker said...

hahahahaha ~ hysterical post! :-)

Skeleface said...

Hahaha, this is awesome. I am the shortest (a measly 5'11") in a line of VERY TALL family members, and I have seen first-hand the frustrations of height. Just do what my uncles do when you're agitated with a half-pint: Threaten to squash them like the pygmy they truly are.

BonesawLtd said...

Yeah... but they have to live their lives being short.